No matter how hard I tried and searched for love from another it always seemed to slip from my grasp. In fact it has been in the letting go that a true loving relationship has appeared. The irony being that this was always there, it just seemed out of reach. I now work with helping people to ‘fall in Love’, and I love the work so much that even calling it work is the wrong terminology.
I now feel a sense of love which goes beyond a personal love or a love which is conditional. The irony is it hasn’t always been this way because there was a time if someone had asked me what love was for me, I didn’t even know what this was. Even though loved ones in my life would say “I Love You” or reciprocating the words because they would get stuck in my throat and felt totally incapable of feeling it. I know now that the love I was incapable of feeling was there somewhere and I had attempted to block it to protect myself from the experiences I had been through as a child. The people in my life I had looked to for love couldn’t give it to me either or express it genuinely because of the lack of love in their lives and painful experiences had taught them to shut down, and so the cycle just continues. Many believe this goes back to the war generations and gets passed down, this may well be true in the sense that maybe it was a way of being able to survive the trauma of loss and grief. For me though I always advocated that there was enough going on in my present life to deal with and manage that the only place to start from is in this present moment and the issues facing me right now.
Over ten years ago ‘The Journey’ therapy came into my life which has literally been a life saver. Over this period of training with Brandon Bays and ‘The Journey’ process work, slowly and incrementally the barriers fell away to receiving love in my life. The realisation that this protection I had put in place was because as a child I felt a deep love for my Father and this left me feeling confused because when I witnessed his harsh behaviour towards my brothers and violent verbal abuse towards my Mother it felt unfair and created a painful separation within the family unit. At this time he demonstrated love towards me in a way which felt inappropriate even though at the time I had no way of expressing this and created mixed messages and a sense of unease.
This ability to reflect on and understand how the past has had a knock on effect with my ability or inability to feel love has been invaluable. Writing through the poems together with regular sessions using The Journey skills has helped me to connect with and release much of the stored emotional pain and understand the core patterns which I have adopted to protect myself. By learning how to dive into the pain and feel it fully, has been the doorway into my deepest self. This is the place where there has been a huge longing to reach, and ironically the discovery is that it was never anywhere but within me the whole time. The only thing which kept me from it was my coping strategies to run from or avoid what I considered to be bad, wrong or painful feelings. It has ultimately been the pain which has re-connected me to my life force and the love for life. Since embarking on this Journey to the Soul, many poems have been written, some through the innocent awareness of a child and through life’s journey sometimes attaching a desire or need for love on others. Ultimately by diving into the pain it is realised in each moment everything being searched for was here all along.
I am now so grateful for the loving relationships in my life and the 'Journey work' which enables me to witness huge breakthroughs for others and seeing the difference it makes in their lives and the ripple effect, gives a great sense of satisfaction.
Posted on Wed, 3 August, 2016
by Gill Routledge